What's with all this monkey business???

 A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday. -Reuters

Ok. So first off, I wasn't aware that Chimpanzees or any other animal can gain citizenship in a country or be referred to as a specific ethnicity.  I had a subscription to "Zoo books" when I was younger and I assure you that there is no such animal named the "Russian Chimpanzee".

I don't see how a zoo animal just "picks up" drinking beer and smoking.  I know what they do pick up though: Their own feces and then proceed to toss it at zoo-goers. Some zoo-keeper enabler turned this chimp into an alcoholic. Perhaps he was attempting to subjugate the entire species to ensure than "Planet of the Apes" never becomes a reality. First Tiger goes to rehab and now Chimp. What is happening to our jungle creatures.

We really need to stop giving Chimpanzees drugs and alcohol.  Last year, a Chimp ripped off a woman's face after it ingested some prescription drugs. You get a monkey wasted, he'll probably tell you how much he loves you, can't sustain an erection, and drunk texts you till 3 AM. Oh no wait, that's me.

Let's leave our animals in nature from now on.  Here's a quick lesson. Whales will eat you, Tigers will attack you, and if you get a chimp drunk, you'll have to take it's keys when it wants to drive home, and we all know that friends don't let chimps drive drunk. Be Smart.

If you liked this, you'd also like http://www.themikenovak.com/2009/07/when-animals-attack.html

Is your Boner Missing?

By now all of you probably know that the actor who played "Boner" on Growing Pains, Andrew Koenig, is STILL missing in Vancouver.  This is serious now.  There are "have you seen me?" posters all over the city and he's been all over the news.  His parents have tried ALMOST everything.  When boner is missing, and missing for a long time, there's only one thing to do.  If you haven't seen boner in a while or fear that you may never experience boner again, then you should ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you.

If that works and boner miracously reappears, but then doesn't go away after 12 hours, then you should call your physician immediately.   Talk about a real "growing" pain.

If you're out there Boner, come home. At night when all the world is sleeping, I sometimes wish that it was Kirk Cameron, that crazy creationist, who went missing instead of you.

Pretty bird...pretty bird

VILLE PLATTE, La. - A Louisiana woman has pleaded guilty to selling two children for a cockatoo and $175 in what her attorney called an attempt to do a good thing that went wrong.-AP

Really? I would rather have to take care of 5 children than to care for a god damn parrot.  Those things never shut up, and I really don't see the point in owning one.  It's a bird. It's supposed to be flying around, not in the corner in the living room in a cage while you wave crackers in front of its face trying to teach it to talk.  Leave the parrot-owning to pirates.

But maybe I'm just bitter from my last bird experience.  When I lived in Providence, Rhode Island, two ridiculous human beings sold a headless parakeet named Petey to the blind kid in 4C.  They even sweetened the deal by throwing in a sack a marbles and a few baseball cards.

You smell that? Smells like a Situation up in here

Jersey Shore’s well-chiseled ladykiller — Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino — is cooking up a sweet-smiling deal to launch his own fragrance. The personal trainer confirmed the news to NBC newsmagazine Access Hollywood, where he served as a guest correspondent at the 2010 Grammy Awards.
The cologne

will likely be called – What else? – “The Situation” and is expected to debut later this year. -popcrunch

Well, I officially want 2 things for my birthday now: The Shake Weight  and "The Situation" cologne.  I'm not sure if you would spray this on your neck or your abs, but since I want to be ripped like Rambo, I'll do both.  It's about time I find a fragrance that captures the essence of the Jersey Shore. The secret formula is of course a mixture of red bull, vodka, Banana Boat tanning oil, and a splash of Ron-Ron juice.

I'm happy for The Situation. Not only has he made the name "Mike" cool again, he's taking full advantage of his fame.  I heard the other cast members are following his example and coming out with their own line of goods:

Angelina is going into the luggage business and has her own line of Hefty Bag Suitcases. They are all natural, and they are hot.

JWOWW has her own line of padded bras to give girls that "they are obviously fake, but look how I can fist pump while wearing a sock across my chest, and there are NO nipple slips!"

Ronnie has his own line of "Testicle Jars" that girls can use to place their man's balls into after they break rule #1: NEVER FALL IN LOVE AT THE JERSEY SHORE

I'm sure we'll see the other cast members try to capitalize on their fame soon enough.

I wonder if the ancient Greeks could have imagined this.....

Pole dancing is one of the more popular suggestions to become the next Olympic sport.
Thousands of pole dancers and the rapidly growing number of international and national federations transforming what was once the exclusive property of strip clubs and cheap bars into a respectable -- and highly athletic -- event agree that this art form should be an Olympic event. -ESPN

I suppose it was only a matter of time before sex overcame the lame and family-oriented spirit of the Olympics.  This may be Carmen Electra's only chance to win gold.

A few months back, I wrote about "Flirty Girl Fitness" (Click here to read), and I guess that pole dancing is becoming quite popular.

I wouldn't mind watching pole dancing as long as I'm not watching it in the presence of my family.  It's awkward enough watching gymnastics and beach volleyball. I don't think I could handle watching a crowd full of people throwing dollar bills (or Euros or Yen or Pesos) at some girl just trying to represent her country.  By the way, I'm sure my Russian stripper friend from Bare Exposure would at least win the bronze medal.

One thing we'd have to make sure of though is to make this an 18+ event.  I know China is going to try to have 13 year old girls compete like they did with gymnastics, which is why I'm nominating Dateline's Chris Hansen to be a judge.  His no-nonsense approach to perverts is exactly what we need to keep the integrity of of this potential Olympic sport.

GO USA.

Shutter Island: What I Thought...

I just returned from watching "Shutter Island".  It was a good film that kept me at the edge of my seat.  It was a little long however, and some girl in the row in front of me decided to keep her ringer on so we had to listen to Lady Gaga's "Papparazzi" every half hour. I don't recall that song being on the soundtrack either.

But the real reason I'm writing this post is because the couple in back of me had 3 things with them at this theater. One of which angered me greatly.  They had an Icee, a large popcorn, and a 9 year old child.  Can you guess which one pissed me off? True, the amount of saturated fat and sodium in that large popcorn is certainly alarming, but the right answer would be their son.

HOW DO YOU BRING YOUR YOUNG CHILD TO SEE SHUTTER ISLAND?

Maybe this couple wanted to expose their child to the excellent artistic ability of Leonardo DiCaprio.  SCREW THAT. I'm not buying it. We all know if you want to capture the true genius of Leo's career, you start with "Growing Pains" and then work your way up.

I know some of you are probably thinking, "Mike, it's their child. Don't tell them how to raise it".  Well, to you I say this.  I WILL TELL THEM HOW TO RAISE THEIR CHILD, because IT IS MY BUSINESS.  Maybe because you brought your child to see "Shutter Island", he's going to be so screwed up that in 20 years he decides to rob a bank that I'm currently trying to withdraw cash from.  Then I'll be involved in a crazy hostage situation, all because you couldn't find a babysitter in time but YOU JUST HAD TO SEE SHUTTER ISLAND.  HOW COULD YOU BARE ANOTHER WAKING MOMENT WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS AN OSCAR WORTHY MOVIE IN THEATERS RIGHT THIS SECOND.

I don't care what it takes:  Abstinence, condom, pill, Nuva-ring, female condom, sponge, diaphram, dental dam, withdrawal, calender method and anal are all viable options.  IF YOU ARE A MORON, PLEASE DO NOT REPRODUCE.  Thank you.

DINOSHARK.... FINALLY!!!

The crazy geniuses at the SyFy channel have finally wised up and written a made-for-TV movie about a monster that combines 2 of my favorite predators of all time: a T-REX and a Great White Shark.  It's about F'ing time.
Here's a little plot summary:

"Global warming causes the glaciers to break apart," Corman explains. "We start the picture with real beautiful shots of the glaciers falling into the ocean. The unborn egg of the Dinoshark that has been frozen for millions of years is released."

Maybe now we'll learn to treat the environment better just in case one day we have a huge Dinosaur-Shark terrorizing our coastal regions.  It would become virtually impossible to go snorkeling or surfing. Maybe now we'll see the error of our ways.

But I simply love giant monster movies. Especially low-budget ones. I've seen "Boa vs. Python" like 3 times and just bought the special edition wide screen version of "Komodo vs. Cobra".  Although these movies seem complex at first glance, you only really need 2 things to have a low-budget, giant monster movie: Ferocious animals 10x their normal size and Stephen Baldwin.  The rest just falls into place.

I've often felt that a lot of these movies are one nipple-slip away from being a soft-core porn movie.  Whenever you have a documentary film crew filled with good looking actors (minus any of the Baldwins) and place them in exotic locations, love will certainly be in the air. I know I'll be tuning in to the SyFy channel to watch this instant classic.

Just When I thought we couldn't get any dumber....

I'm in shock right now.  The say The Hug E Gram is the warmest, most personal gift you can share.  Uh, yea sure. Right after ACTUALLY BEING THERE TO GIVE THE GIFT!!! This is really disturbing.  Guys wearing a Hug E Gram at work? Women wearing a Hug E Gram in the kitchen? Really? At this point, I think cheating on your spouse would be more socially acceptable than wearing 2 plush arms around your midsection.  I mean at first glance of those lifeless arms and white gloves, it looks like Mickey Mouse is trying to feel you up.

And you can even record an audio message!! A talking pair of arms. What number do i call, and when are you coming out with Hug E Grams for dogs?

If the inventors of this product make even $1 off this invention, I'm quitting my job and becoming an inventor, because no one has thought of more ridiculous inventions than me.  

A-Hole in One!!

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Golf pro Tiger Woods will appear at a press conference Friday, breaking a three-month silence following a scandal involving alleged infidelities, the Associated Press reported Wednesday

It's been 3 months already? That's nuts.  Finally, everyone's favorite golfer-adulterer is going to speak on the events that transpired almost 90 days ago.  Why did it take so long, you ask?  Simple. Tiger was busy healing in SEX REHAB.

I know what you're thinking, "MIKE, WHAT THE BALL SACK IS SEX REHAB?!".. Well, I'm not positive, but I think it's where a panel of doctors and health care professionals (including Dr. Drew) instruct you on how to masturbate, so you can kill your urges to bang reality stars and blond porn stars.  I heard one of the most effective treatments is what they call The Lonesome Stranger.  This is where you sit on ur hand for about 2-3 hours until blood flow is non-existent and then proceed to whack it with what feels to be someone else's hand?!?! BUT ITS NOT, STUPID!... It was your hand the whole time!!!

So in conclusion, if you see that Tiger can no longer drive the ball like he used to and see his caddy poking his right hand with a steak knife to regain feeling, we all know what Tiger was up to....THANKS SEX REHAB!

Note: I have never performed "The Lonesome Stranger" due to an 80% chance that you will need an amputation after. You're more likely to keep your hand after climbing Everest without wearing any gloves

Jersey Shame: Say it aint so, JWOWW!

 When MTV announced it was debuting a little television show called "Jersey Shore," scores of Italian-Americans decried the program, claiming it promoted unhealthy ethnic stereotypes. But in an appearance on FoxNews.com's hit Web show, "The Strategy Room," Jenni "JWOWW" Farley revealed that she and some of the other cast members are not actually Italian! Farley herself is "Spanish and Irish," while castmate Snooki is actually Chilean.

 I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. It actually explains Snooki's rather dark complexion however. You would have to sleep overnight in a Hollywood Tans HT60 to get that dark. What really upsets me is that JWOWW has been living a lie. I really thought I was going to marry her until I found this out. Although she is a Latina Leprechaun and not the guidette I fell in love with, she is still a praying mantis and after she has sex with you, she WILL rip your head off.

This whole shocker makes me wonder what other Jersey Shore secrets there are.  Maybe Vinny is Norwegian. Could Ronnie be black?  And are the Situation's abs prosthetic?  All we can do is wait to find out the truth...

Let's beat Justin Bieber and that Onion Ring

I'd like to thank you for visiting my blog. You may be asking youself, "What the hell did I stumble upon here". Well, let me tell you.  This site is basically a way to express everything that goes through my mind that I can't get arrested for.

If you've joined the fan page, thank you.  I'm trying to get more followers than both Justin Bieber as well as that Onion Ring that's competing with him.  I mean I'm a lot more obscure than an Onion Ring, so this shouldn't be a problem.  I mean don't get me wrong, I have nothing against onion rings. I love when you find one straggler in the bottom of your Burger King french fry bag and you're like "What the hell? I certaintly did not order this. Whatever, fuck it, give me some horseradish sauce asap".

So where was I? Oh yeah, Join the fanpage, check the site daily, tell your friends. If you do all of those things, I promise I will continute to update and I'll be putting up videos soon.

Thanks Again

Take a Look, it's in a book, it's Reading Rainbow

Happy Birthday to LaVar Burton, who showed us all that reading can be fun (and also showing us how awkward kids are when they are forced to review a book on national television)

oh yeah, this blog post was brought to you by The Carnegie Corporation of New York, the National Science Foundation, The Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Public Television Stations, and by a grant from Kelloggs, and from viewers like you.

LOST: Am I the only one who finds this amusing?

Since an all-new episode of LOST premieres tonight, I thought I'd treat you all to a LOST video that you probably haven't seen before.  I don't do a lot of fart/poop humor, but I kind of think this is worth a few chuckles. Check it out.

Getting Rid of 12th Grade? Can you explain this ruckus sir?

"A Utah Senator is proposing 12th grade be optional in order to save the state $60 million dollars. Do you think 12th grade isn't necessary?" ABC News

 OF COURSE 12th GRADE IS NECESSARY!!  In 11th grade, most of us are still awkward teenagers, and we need that extra year to touch our first breast or learn how to handle our alcohol (this is not a personal statement about myself. I was the Colonel Sanders of breasts and my BAC was higher than my GPA).  We need 12th grade because it's hard to find anyone younger with a decent fake ID.  We need 12th grade because guys can hook up with hot freshmen girls just because they are in 12th grade.  We need 12th grade because Junior Formal sucks compared to prom (and prom kinda sucks too, but you know what I'm saying.)  We need 12th grade because most College professors aren't attractive and you have an easier time sleeping with a slutty high school teacher who's only like 5 years older than you (come on, you've all read those news stories).

So Utah, keep high school the way it is. 4 years of endless awkwardness and self-doubt.

Ultimate Frisbee

 "Feb. 12 – The man credited with inventing the Frisbee, one of the world's most popular toys, has died at his home in Utah at the age of 90." -AP

I was never one of those people in college who played with frisbees either casually or in an ultimate Frisbee league.  While I was double-fisting Red Bull Vodkas, there was intense Frisbee games happening on the green. I have drank several beers out of a Frisbee however. FUN FACT: A regulation-sized Frisbee can hold up to 4 beers. Try it. I dare you.

Walter Frederick Morrison's invention has become a huge part of the hippy college scene and for that I think we should all be appreciative.

I HAVE A DREAM(s)

 Since I feel I have the most absurd dreams, I'm going to start posting what I remember on here.

Thursday, Feb 11:  I'm transported back to Pierrepont School (my elementary school), where I proceed to give a class of 2nd graders a lecture on the dangers of Childhood Obesity.  This is where my memory gets a little hazy. At this point I may or may not recite a few poems from a Shell Silverstein book.

Sunday, February 14:   (NOTE: This dream occurred after consuming a Papa John's pepperoni pizza and an order of their hot wings.  Delusions are bound to happen after that.)  I find myself on a mysterious, remote island.  When I see that I'm there with the dad from Bicentenial man as well as Jeff Goldblum, i realize that I'm in Jurassic Park.  Long story short, you should have seen the look on my face when Dr. John Hammond told me he had a friggin' T-Rex.

Lessons Learned:  Kids, don't get fat.  Cause if you do, you'll look real appetizing to a group of hungry Velociraptors.

Tommy Sold Half a Million Break Pads!!!!

Today we honor the life and work of the late comedian Chris Farley.  He was truly one of the greatest, and although he left us way too soon, he left behind a great legacy and body of work.  He was one of the biggest influences for me when I was younger, and I can easily watch his movies over and over again.  Here are some clips of Chris Farley's work from over the years. Enjoy

It's Morphin, I mean Ass-kickin, Time!!

So it turns out that the Green Ranger (and later White Ranger), is now a UFC fighter.  That's right, folks, he used to fight inside of a 300 ft Dragon Zord but now he fights inside of a steel cage.  By the looks of it, he's been using his Power Ranger royalty checks to ink himself up pretty nicely.  I always knew Tommy was a bad-ass.  I'm sure when he wasn't beating up the putty patrol, he was getting sweet HJ's from Kimberly.  That's how he rolled.  He would beat up putty, then she would beat up his.

 I don't have have a problem with Tommy spending all of his time cage-fighting as long as there's another teen who only wears the color of his power ranger's armor to school who's defending this planet against the evil Lord Zed.

Dela-weird...

NEW CASTLE, Del. – Police responding to a report of a suspicious man carrying a gun instead found two legs sticking out of a homemade igloo. New Castle County police said the legs belong to Delaware teen who was arrested Wednesday after he was found to be carrying a survival knife, a hammer, 7.5 grams of marijuana and two marijuana pipes. -AP

Only a Delaware resident would build an Igloo big enough for only 60% of his body. He sure has an interesting assortment of goods on him as well. I can understand the marijuana (what else is there to do in an igloo?). The survival knife is also a good idea (you never know when you may have to skin a squirrel or even cut open a Taun-Taun and shelter yourself in its carcass.) But the HAMMER?! Did this guy think there was some sort of assembly required with nails when creating an igloo? Maybe the hammer was there to hit his toes with to test for frostbite. It's a silent killer, you know.

I lived in Delaware for 4 years, and this honestly sounds like a pretty normal act for some of the wackos I encountered.

What's Shakin?

My birthday isn't until April, but I know exactly what I want already. THE SHAKE WEIGHT. This revolutionary new product allows you to get absolutely ripped by rigorously shaking a dumbbell with springs for just a few minutes a day. AT LAST, I can stop feeling guilty after I rigorously shake something for a few minutes a day AND it works out BOTH arms.

This product has it all. One of the best features is how little space this takes up. There's no cables, heavy weight stacks, or anything to adjust. You can SHAKE IT UP while on line at the grocery store, or even sitting at a red light.

I do have to comment on the infomercial though. That black guy needs to take a 5 minute break. He looks like he's been shaking that thing for 2 weeks straight. And I don't know if I'd feel comfortable shaking my weight next to 2 other shirtless guys shaking their weight as seen at the 1.19 min mark.

I WILL GET RIPPED THANKS TO THE SHAKE WEIGHT. And if anyone wants similar results, whenever I'm not using it, you can shake mine. Just make sure you clean it off after.

One Man's Erection is Another Man's Relief

"A strip club in Ohio has raised $1,000 for Haitian earthquake relief during what was billed as "Lap dances for Haiti." Marilyn's on Monroe in Toledo donated the $10 cover charges collected Saturday to ISOH (I-S-O-H)/IMPACT, an organization based in suburban Perrysburg that provides food and clothing for Haiti." - AP

This is a fantastic idea. It's now possible to help out a great cause, and stain your pants all at the same time. I encourage strip clubs (and prostitutes) to follow this club's generous example. I mean there's plenty of sexually frustrated men out there to fund an entire relief effort for Haiti.

In related news, I hope some of the hundreds I spent over at "Bare Exposure" a few weeks ago goes to Haitian relief. I think it's safe to say that the Russian dancer who I thought was in love with me was actually just in love with the crisp pieces of green paper with Benjamin Franklin's portrait on it that somehow kept appearing out of my wallet. And to think, I was ready to buy Rosetta Stone: Level 1 Russian so her parents would approve of me.

If you haven't donated something to Haitian relief yet, please do. There are miracles happening over there as people are still being pulled from the rubble. The survivors need our help more than ever now. And word to the wise, if you have a few extra dollars lying around, think with your head (the one attached to your neck), and spend it on something important. If you don't, you may end up broke, heartbroken, and with balls so blue it looks like they could be cast as extras in the sequel for Avatar.