Another installment of Mike Novak On....

Hey kid, whatcha got in that brown paper bag?

One Chicago school has banned lunches brought from home, the Chicago Tribune reports. Administrators at Little Village Academy, a public school, say the policy is all in the name of good health. Principal Elsa Carmona told the Tribune she created the policy after watching students bring "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" for their lunch.

Once Sarah Palin receives news of this story, I'm sure she'll be at that school with chocolate chip cookies and introduce those unfortunate kids to freedom.

I gotta say, I couldn't agree more with this school's decision.  In middle school, the lunches your parent packed for you could either make you or break you.  One lunch faux pas and you'll be eating your lunch in the empty stall while flushing every 3 minutes to fool the other bathroom goers.

Why should kids be judged by the lunch that their guardians choose for them? I would usually only judge the other students if they sucked in gym class, if their art class projects looked like an orginal Stevie Wonder creation, or if you found it necessary to drop your pants to your ankles while emptying your bladder in the urinal (you know who you are).

My mom wanted me to live a healthy lifestyle, so my lunches usually consisted of a sandwich with a nutri-grain bar.  I certainly wasn't bringing much to the trading table.  The kid with the Dunkaroos or Gushers was usually the coolest guy at lunch. People would pretty much give anything short of a hand-job to be able to dip miniature kangaroos into a sugary paste, and for most girls, it would be another 10 years or so until they could experience a burst of juices in their mouth similar to the sensation that eating Gushers provided.

If your parents let you eat these sugary snacks, you were the top businessman at lunch.  You understood the economics of the cafeteria.  One group that had a tough time at the lunchroom trading floor were the Asians. This is the only place where Asians have an unfavorable trade agreement.  It was always hard for them to try to trade their miniature juice box with a picture of a cartoon turtle holding a catcher's mitt for a pack of saltines with cheddar cheese spread and a little red stick to smear it on with. (I for one enjoyed the delicacies of the Asian market, and embraced the multicultural atmosphere of the lunch room.)

If I could relive my youth, I'd eat Lunchables every day.  Where else can you squeeze tomato paste out of a packet onto a piece of cardboard and call it pizza, or stack a piece of cheese and miniature turkey roll on a Ritz cracker and call it a sandwich? 

So kids, if you're reading this, enjoy these snacks while you can.  Once you become my age, eating fruit by the foot during a quarterly earnings meeting can have negative effects on your annual review.

DJ Tanner on the One-Two's....

Tomorrow marks a very special birthday in America. It is Candace Cameron's 34th birthday.  We all know Candace best from her role as "DJ Tanner" on TV's Full House.  Candace has had quite the life.

Candace grew up in a large family.  She was the oldest of 3 sisters, and after her mother passed away, her uncle Jesse and her father's college buddy, Joey, moved in to their San Francisco home to help take care of the girls.  Candace also has an older brother, Kirk Cameron.  You may remember Kirk as Mike Seaver from TV's Growing Pains.

When Candace was growing up, she had her ups and downs.  After becoming obsessed with looking like a model and keeping up with her best friend Kimmy, DJ developed an eating disorder.  She was also involved in a scandalous love triangle with rich-boy Nelson and bad-boy Viper.  It was only while cleaning up a recently vandalized park where she realized that she needed time to sort things out, by herself. 

Candace also dated the perpetually-hungry jock, Steve. Candace and Steve broke up after a long relationship and he got a job portraying Aladdin in Walt Disney World.  Candace was crushed, but after climbing a mountain she finally saw the light.

Candace often battled herself and her actions showed her 2 conflicting sides.  One minute she'll be working as a clown for a photographer to save up money for cool new tennis shoes and the next she'll be transforming an "F" grade on her exam to an "A" in order to trick her hard-working father.

Despite failing that one exam, DJ was able to take the SAT's, which were actually proctored by Vanna White and after an intense waiting period, got accepted to Clown University.

So where is Candace Cameron now?  Who knows.  Last I heard, her younger sister got amnesia after falling off her horse.  Her name lives on however, as my DJ name.

DJ TANNER

P.S. She's SOOOOOOO jealous of Kathy Santoni, the cutest girl in school.

Let me be your hero.....

Hours after Britney Spears announced that she was going on tour with none other than Latin sensation Enrique Iglesias, Enrique reportedly dropped out of the tour.

Obviously this is because Enrique Iglesias is never the supporting act. He IS the WHOLE F'ING SHOW.

I mean, seriously, have you all heard "Escape"?  What about "Rhythm Divine"? And who can forgot about "Bailamos"? 

Britney has to realize that while she was busy getting fat, having babies, and shaving her head, Enrique was getting facial moles removed, banging tennis star Ana Kournikova, and hanging out with the cast of "Jersey Shore". 

I do hope that Enrique reconsiders joining the tour however, because it's definitely a show I wouldn't miss.  Backstage passes a must, and to the person who out-bid me on eBay to get a piece of Enrique's removed cheek mole, screw you.

Here is a video I found that is pretty hilarious.  I never realized how absurd the "Hero" video was. Enjoy.

"Whack" Swan

There has been a lot of rumors circulating recently that a majority of the dancing scenes in the award-winning movie "Black Swan" were actually performed by a stunt double, rather than Natalie Portman herself.

Director Darren Aronofsky has gone on record saying that Portman did 80% of the dancing in the film.

I just don't understand why people are upset that 20% of the dancing wasn't real, when we should all still be pissed that 100% of the cunnilingus wasn't real.

This proves once and for all that Natalie Portman is a big phony.  I have no doubt that in Star Wars: Episode 1, she wasn't REALLY flying around in a royal star cruiser.

You Aint' Sheen Nothin' Yet

I know I have been lazy with the blog for quite a while now, but believe it when I say that I have returned and I'd like to think I'm better than ever.

With that being said, I think It's only fitting that I provide some commentary on one of pop culture's most recent and explosive stories: The Charlie Sheen Saga

Now if you are a fan of my blog, you'll know that I have commented on Sheen and his sitcom in the past. You can view the entry HERE.  It is a negative post about Sheen and his tv show, and while I still do not care for the show, my views on Sheen have forever been changed....


Charlie Sheen had it all. Hit movies, smokin' hot wives, a famous dad, and pee-wee hockey's most famous coach for a brother.  So what if he wants to party for 3 days straight and bang porn stars in elegant hotel suites?  Hasn't he earned it?

Me and Charlie are a lot alike: We both create our own catchphrases, we both have adonis DNA, and we both crave attention.  Sure there's things that Charlie has that I don't, but if you replace a $15 million dollar mansion with my Hoboken apartment, 2 beautiful porn star goddesses for my 2 economy-sized bottles of Jergens, and a briefcase of the finest Colombian cocaine that money can buy with my handle of Banker's Club Vodka, me and Charlie are virtually the same person.

 We should embrace Charlie.  For the past month he has entertained us and has introduced me to several porn stars whose existence I was previously unaware of.  Now for $19.99 a month, I can help send those girls to college, as well as stimulate the economy.

Charlie Sheen doing crazy things is good for everyone, so just sit back, relax and let him Win all over your face, because he IS an F-18, and I also consider him a friend.

OCD Teaser #1

Check out the teaser trailer for my brand new real life web series, OCD: Over Coming Demons

Mike Novak on... 11/30/2010

Mike Novak on.....

Don't call it a comeback

Fans, I apologize for my absence for the past few months. I moved to Hoboken in April, and I'm not going to lie, I've been partying too much to even turn on my computer. But now that my honeymoon stage with this town is coming to a sustainable level, I feel thats theres no reason i can't keep doing what I love and that's making these posts and making videos. I'm hoping to wrap up my pilot shortly and then get a crew together and film that son of a bitch.  To celebrate my return, and to say I'm sorry for not updating, here's an embarassing video to show you that I really do appreciate those of you who read and support this blog.